Haunted House by Daylight

Haunted House by Daylight

Not really sure how this works.
First entry, first day of the new year...and now the first night.
My Jason is sleeping two rooms away, my cats are curled up nearby and there is a new dog outside, probably sleeping too...and now we are five, our family that is. New Years resolution to write, among other initiatives of course, not necessarily blog-style, but perhaps this is not a bad bone to try one’s teeth on. Reminds me though of the prentention that comes when we lift our hand to send out words for other people’s eyes…what will they see, how will we seem, blog offerings seems specifically susceptible to self-consciousness. In high school and into college I journaled my little heart out, and sometimes I think I was at my most honest then…but also my most unknown…journaling gave way to letter writing as friends unlike any other took their turns being near and then far as we traded countries and states on stamped envelopes, and then there was Jason and here…is now
Saw a women walking down Powell the other day, I noticed her rainbow tie-dyed pants first and her walking stick second. This led to a conversation with Jason about how you would go about choosing clothes if you were blind and would you have a favorite color even if you’d never seen a shade of light. Maybe you’d choose something by association, loving the sound of the ocean, you’re told it is blue and you claim that, or the warmth of a sunny day, ask to be given shirts of orange or yellow, or socks of green for when you can’t walk barefoot in the grass…somedays I feel like I’ve been blind, after certain periods of confusion, or perhaps ungratitude…the things that I want to be, to strive for, to emanate, have they been chosen arbitrarily on some whim in the dark, a faint idea that it will make me like something that I have decided I admire or esteem…who am I really…am I worse off or better… ‘the life that is truly life’ is it here with me, in this house with all these sleeping heartbeats…do I see?
This year I will see more. I will try. I always try to remind the people I counsel ( oh yeah…counseling) that growth is a process…I will remind myself of that, in the moments that I feel like I am being smothered, when I am trying to fit myself into shapes that I was never meant to be, when I am overlooking doors that are standing wide open and welcoming and when beauty is so precious and fragile that it hurts. I will try. I will try to keep writing and I will try to pray…with these two things, I am made glad for the ways that I burn.
“The only hope or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre—
To be redeemed from fire by fire.
Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name
Behind the hands that wove
The intolerable shirt of flame
Which human power cannot remove.
We only live, only suspire
consumed by either fire or fire”
A taste of T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets…burn we will.
Happy New Year.

hello.
















more coming soon...